The back to work countdown is on. My heart is torn in two. I never thought I’d find it so hard.

When I said I was taking six months off work, people laughed. ‘You’ll be off for longer, all of your priorities will change once the baby is here’, they said. I didn’t know what they meant, wasn’t long before I did.

Work put out a press release this week saying stats looked good for September. My mind immediately went to people thinking that it was down to the fact that I’m not there.

I know this isn’t the case, I busted my chops to get all of the marketing for this campaign done before I left, I project managed a new website while I was decorating my new house (already on maternity) and I’ve continued to work on our digital campaigns since October, my maternity cover probably doesn’t even know they exist, but she’ll probably get the praise.

The judgement probably shouldn’t bother me, but it does. The judgement is currently only in my head, sinking me in to even more of a negative cycle about going back to work and leaving RLT.

I am EXTREMELY lucky to have my mum look after RLT three days per week, I have condensed my hours and Mark has managed to swap working Friday for a Sunday. This means RLT will be with one or both parents for four days in a row and his Grandma for three. My mum is fantastic with her grandchildren, she knows so much about child development, I can’t believe she hasnt run a nursery before!

But he’s my baby, he falls down and bumps his head, I want to be the one he runs to for comfort. He’s my little bestie. He looks to me for reassurance before he does anything new, our bond is the strongest thing I’ve ever felt, I’m afraid of this going away.

Until recently he fell asleep holding one of my fingers. He’s now stopped. Even that hurts me inside!

I realise how this is all about me and not him, he’ll be OK, I know this. It is me who won’t be. Is it ridiculously selfish of me to feel this way?

Does anyone have any advice for going back to work and not sitting at your desk crying?