2019 has been a very up and down year for me. It has been the best of times, it has been the worst of times and is definitely ending better than it started.
I’ve been crippled with anxiety, worried sick about going back to work, worried about my little boy and his development, had a cancerous mole removed, worried about my partners job, struggling with sleep deprivation and just in a constant battle with my own mind (thanks to everything on that list, thyroid issues and general overwhelm of having two kids under the age of four).
I’ve learned a lot about myself and about the impact that the feeling of personal responsibility for everything can have. Whether it be work-related, miscarriage related or anything else life related, blame and shame is soul-destroying. I feel that this year, I have made progress in regards to these feelings and stopped ruminating on them, which is a big thing. How I would have defined myself last year has changed and I’m actually happier for it, which I would have never expected.
I move into 2020 in a good place and where I am still looking for the constant physical danger in every situation with the kids (especially the little one), I’m now not crucifying myself worrying about things like us losing our jobs, for which I have no control over. What will be, will be, whether I think about it between the hours of 1-4am or not.
I still have to overcome a few things, which I would usually avoid, like meetings which I know will cause me to take things as personal criticism, events to manage where I have to delegate to people and hope they do as they should and my little boy still needs help with his speech and speech therapy are being quite useless, so I’m going to have to bash a few heads together. I’d usually fall apart, but I’m learning to lean on others and talk!
Here are some things that 2019 taught me:
- Truths are the stories we tell ourselves. Truth is different for different people.
- People may make you think that they are doing things better than you did them, but those things simply weren’t important to them before. See point 1.
- Most mothers that I have spoken to that suffer from anxiety seem to struggle with intolerance of uncertainty.
- Sticking to your values is very important.
- No two children are the same.
- Assumptions are bad.
- Potty training should be acceptable to add to skills on a CV as you’re an absolute pro if you do it without any help.
Here are some things that 2019 taught my twitter pals:
- Jon Shed was right to quit his job.
- Lisa found that she has no self-confidence and she needs to work on herself first before others (I’m gonna help her all I can).
- Sarah found that it’s okay to be on your own. She’s spent so long clinging to someone or something, she’s started to really enjoy her own company.
- Ms. Sentiment Shed is ending 2019 with an “I’ve got this attitude”.
- AR found that getting half-cut on gin and then pushing the ‘fuck it’ button one night by booking a trip to Disney World when drunk was actually not the worst idea in the world after all. Be more impulsive and stop holding myself back so much!.
- Jupiter was taught to always keep fighting for what is right, even if it’s hard and you feel like it’s going nowhere. Keep fighting and eventually, you’ll get somewhere.
It’s been a crazy year to live in the UK, but my echo chamber shows that it has given us time to reflect and move forward knowing who we are and what we want a little better.
Happy New Year!