My blogging has been somewhat sporadic recently. I’m finding it hard to adjust to being back at work full time. I don’t have enough time for anything.

I don’t feel like I have enough time to give my baby the attention he needs or deserves, I left for work this morning before he was even awake. He hasn’t seen that I am there for him today, like every other day, and I don’t like it. Likewise with my partner, he has a very demanding job, I feel like we are ships that pass in the night.

RLT has slept in my bed every night since the 1st March. At first, I needed it as much as him, but we have tried to put him in his cot and the cry at the moment of realisation is horrific. I can’t do that to him, apparently, separation anxiety is evident between eight and ten months anyway, mix into this that his routine has completely changed and the clocks changing.

He has also got four of his top teeth coming through at the same time – so that is nine months and six teeth, which is pretty good going. I am off on Monday’s, so this Monday we went to baby gym, took a walk, played in the garden and on the trike – full throttle to make the most of the time.

At work I feel like the new girl. I don’t know briefs sufficiently to do anything to full effect, I feel that I am picking up the ends of projects of which I don’t know the aims and objectives. My brain isn’t firing in meetings, I’m being asked for my opinions and I just sit there looking vacant. Not having a handover hasn’t helped, but thankfully the team of people  I work with are amazing.

I find I’ve changed as a person. I’m not as strong as I once thought I was. I have been spoken to in an unkind way by a colleague, whereas I would usually shrug it off, it affected me so deeply. I feel a little caught out that male colleagues can throw the fact that I took the time out to have a baby as me not being fully committed to the cause. I’m not a feminist in any way, but it sucked. I can’t help the fact that my partner couldn’t carry the baby, I had to and I wanted to, but that doesn’t give them the right to throw this at me when they don’t get their own way. I was simply doing the job I was employed for.

Life feels like it is built on sand at the moment for one reason or another. I need to find a way to get a solid routine for everyone. Time to make a plan!